The Little Mermaid was my obsession when I was a kid. I forced my mother and sisters to watch it with me every single day of 1990. Eventually, I grew bored of it. Haven’t thought about it for probably two decades…

But I recently re-watched “Kiss The Girl” and it’s weird and I need to talk about it.

It all starts with Sebastian. Even though he basically helped raise Ariel, he takes the role of wing-man for possible sea pirate Prince Eric. It’s uncomfortably sensual for a crab.

Sebastian giving the “I like to watch” vibe is truly horrifying.

He leads a turtle massage parlor as "percussion" to set the mood. Oooooookay.

At least the turtles seem happy about it.

Also, Ariel is LITERALLY a girl. She's sixteen years old and thinks she's found true love with a stranger.

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