The 10 Most Miserable Creatures in the Pokemon World
The life of a Pokemon is not a good one: they wander aimlessly in the grass, the desert, and the sea, attacking literally anything that comes by. Inevitably, they will be brutally beaten and captured by a trainer, who will keep them in a tiny ball or trapped in some PC ("Bill's PC", or "Whatever PC" in later vesions). Then, if they're lucky enough to escape their Tron-esque digital nightmare world, they will occasionally be trotted out to battle other Pokemon where they will be burnt, frozen, paralyzed, poisoned, and a million other horrible things all so some loser trainer can win some badges. But, even among Pokemon, some are far more miserable than the others. They actually have lives that are significantly worse. Here are the 10 most miserable creatures in Pokemon.
"It is not satisfied unless it eats over 880 pounds of food every day. When it is done eating, it goes promptly to sleep." (Pokemon Diamond)
"It is not satisfied unless it eats over 880 pounds of food every day. When it is done eating, it goes promptly to sleep." (Pokemon FireRed)
Snorlax's life consists of two things: eating and sleeping. Sounds pretty ideal, right? Wrong. Finding 880 pounds of food PER DAY, would be an impossible task for any able-bodied person, let alone a wildly overweight animal that has no known food sources (seriously what do Pokemon eat? Fruits and vegetables? If they ever eat any meat, it would mean they eat each other?). And once it eats this insane amount of food each day, it collapses whereever it finds itself such as in the middle of the road, leaving passing trainers two options: beat it to the edge of death, or capture it and use it as a slave-fighter.
"If two of these meet, they cannot get too close because their noses repel each other." (Pokemon HeartGold)
"Its nose is a magnet. As a result, this Pokémon always keeps its face pointing north." (Pokemon Diamond)
Nosepasses can only look North. Imagine only being able to face one direction for your entire life. At least no one can really pull that "tap you on the back, then run in front of you so you won't know who actually tapped you" prank on them.
What's probably even worse, Nosepasses can't ever get close enough to have a conversation, hug, or anything god forbid they ever dream about an Eskimo kiss (which would be double-impossible actually, given they can never face each other because that would require one of them to be facing South). But worse, this makes it sound like they would have a hell of a time ever engaging in the act of love-making, unless they have extraordinarily long genitals that also would have to be on the side of their bodies. And really, the less we all think about Pokemon genitalia, the better.
"Magikarp is a pathetic excuse for a Pokémon that is only capable of flopping and splashing. This behavior prompted scientists to undertake research into it." (Pokemon Ruby)
"It is virtually worthless in terms of both power and speed. It is the most weak and pathetic Pokémon in the world." (Pokemon FireRed)
"It is said to be the world's weakest Pokémon. No one knows why it has managed to survive." (Pokemon Diamond)
"For no reason, it jumps and splashes about, making it easy for predators like Pidgeotto to catch it mid-jump." (Pokemon Silver)
Wow. Not only is Magikarp pretty much entirely unable to defend itself in battle, it also can't defend itself against the really unnecessarily harsh slander by whoever writes the Pokedex entries. I mean, they don't even treat Luvdisc this badly. Magikarp is helpless, the laughing stock of the entire Pokemon universe, and has one of the few instances where it is confirmed that Pokemon eat each other. At least it gets to turn into a dragon. An enslaved-by-a-child dragon, but still.
"It never sleeps. It has to keep moving because if it stopped, its magma body would cool and harden." (Pokemon Gold)
Life did not deal Slugma a good hand it is literally just a blob of magma given unnatural sentience. And, to top it off, it can never sleep hell, it can't stop constantly moving. Even sharks which also need to constantly move have figured out a way to swim-sleep. Not Slugma it can never experience rest, in any form, ever. On the other hand, at least it doesn't have to worry about getting its dreams eaten by ghosts (which REMINDER! is an actual thing that happens to Pokemon).
"Spoink bounces around on its tail. The shock of its bouncing makes its heart pump. As a result, this Pokémon cannot afford to stop bouncing if it stops, its heart will stop." (Pokemon Ruby)
There are a lot of things we can do without really thinking about it we breathe, blink, and have our circulatory system get the job done without having to tell each individual organ what to do at every second. Spoink doesn't have that luxury it needs to constantly bounce on its own tail just to keep its heart beating like the least efficient, most frustrating pace maker ever conceived. If it sleeps, it dies. If it stops bouncing to take a rest, it dies. And it probably needs to keep bouncing at a very steady, precise pace if it's too slow, it would pass out from too-slow bloodflow; if it's too fast, it could have a heart attack. At least bacon's probably pretty easy to come by in the Pokemon universe.
"They cannot see, so they tackle and bite to learn about their surroundings. Their bodies are covered in wounds." (Pokemon White)
Blind people have it bad but at least they have the common sense to get walking sticks, seeing-eye dogs, and use braille to try to make do with every day life. Deino does not seem to know how to adjust to blindness and has decided to fling itself and snap its jaws at everything in an attempt to get by. Given that its entire body is covered in wounds constantly, to the point where its part of each one's physical descriptions, it must be pretty miserable. Blind and in pain at all times. If only someone would give it a haircut.
"Always tormented by headaches. It uses psychic powers, but it is not known if it intends to do so." (Pokemon Yellow)
Well, Psyduck's life sucks. Not only is it constantly wracked by migraines (likely caused by a brain tumor or some other horrible brain ailment), but it has powers that it uses even though it doesn't mean to. It could be zapping the minds of its loved ones and not even realize it. And the only possible hope for these poor creatures is to be enslaved by a parentless 11 year old and battled until it evolves into Golduck. And then, if it's real lucky, it'll be put into a computer for the rest of it's life, where it won't be using psychic brain blasts unwillingly and the headaches can finally end.
"It stores electric energy under very high pressure. It often explodes with little or no provocation." (Pokemon Red)
Don't have any limbs? Constantly on the verge of explosive death, which can happen for any or NO reason, which is also your signature move in combat? Well, you might just be an Electrode. Given the horrible nature of its existence, the idea that it could literally self-destruct out of nowhere while sitting still is probably a comfort it could be freed from its terrible excuse for a life at any moment. And, who knows, maybe it'll take down a Mr. Mime with it.
"A host-parasite pair in which the parasite mushroom has taken over the host bug. Prefers damp places." (Pokemon Red)
"When nothing's left to extract from the bug, the mushrooms on its back leave spores on the bug's egg." (Pokemon Crystal)
Parasect is controlled by an out-of-control mushroom parasite that has grown to enormous proportions, as well as by whatever trainer ends up catching the poor thing. That makes Parasect the slave of a slave. That's not a good position to be in. It has no control over its own existence, and whatever life-force it has left is being constantly sucked away by the huge fungus growing on its back. At least there's hope for future generations though, right? Wrong. The mushroom's spores infect the host's eggs as well, so even its poor children are doomed before they're even born.
Think of it as a reverse Mario where mushrooms seal you to a fate worse than death.
BONUS 1: Every Ghost Pokemon
Living Pokemon are miserable, but there is something truly horrifying about Ghost-type Pokemon. Their very existence seems to indicate that there is no afterlife in the Pokemon universe spirits are left to eternally wander the planes of the living, stuck doing battle with them even after death. None of the Ghost-type Pokemon seem to have particularly painful afterlives, but many such as Yamask (who carries its own face as a mask and cries whenever it sees itself) are clearly wracked with emotional turmoil and regret. And, worst of all, there is no hope of it ending, since they've already died.
BONUS 2: Arceus
Arceus supposedly created the world making it the closest thing to an "all-powerful god" that exists in the universe of Pokemon. And there's nothing about it's life that's particularly "miserable" it's powerful, majestic, and likely immortal. However, it like all Pokemon can be captured by a trainer. Going from "god of all creation" to "some kid's HM slave" seems like it would throw anyone into a pretty severe depression.