13 Things That Are Definitely Going To Happen In The Final Game of Thrones Season
Will Bran continue to chill out super hard in a forrest somewhere? Will Sansa change her name to Karen? Will Daenerys marry Jon Snow?
Season 7, Episode 1:
Sansa and Jon Snow wake up next to each other in their dead parents' bed. "Hullo, Sansa," says Jon Snow. They shake hands. None of this is ever addressed again.
Outside, Littlefinger is teaching the knights of the Vale to speak Spanish for their next battle. One knight tells the other that he likes his pantalones, but the second knight misinterprets this statement and stabs the first knight to death over it. Confused and suffering from massive PTSD (Post Traumatic Stab Disorder), all of the knights of the Vale stab each other to death within minutes. Littlefinger calmly removes all of their pantalones so this will not happen again, then smirks and meets Sansa's gaze in the window. "I'll get more knights," he mouths, then does that thing where you mimic giving a blowjob. Sansa closes the curtains, but smiles mysteriously to herself as she goes downstairs to make an egg for Jon.
Bran is in a forest.
Season 7, Episode 2:
Cersei and Jaime, having nothing else to do now that everyone else is dead, are fucking atop the Iron Throne. To be clear, the Iron Throne is now that rat-king pile of bodies from the Battle of the Bastards brought to King's Landing and rebuilt exactly how everyone died. They are fucking atop that.
The entire remaining population of Westeros, which is seven people, are watching them, cheering and occasionally stabbing one another in the gut for sport (everyone has PTSD now). After she climaxes, Cersei stands up and chugs an entire thing of malt liquor in 13 seconds. "Somebody get me Tommen's ashes!!" she screams. Somebody does. Cersei chugs Tommen's ashes.
Somewhere, Gendry is in the boat he has been on for three seasons. He is heading toward a light on the horizon, which he has been heading toward for years now. Finally, he reaches shore. He is at a disco pub. He takes off the shirt he has been wearing for at least three years, ties it around his neck like a jaunty scarf, and moonwalks inside.
Bran is in a forest. He's unconscious.
Season 7, Episode 3:
Daenerys is vomiting profusely over the side of one of her thousand ships. Her hair looks immaculate. Tyrion is holding it back and crying because he doesn't want her to die of seasickness, which is a thing that happens, it is. Dany pukes up a little shrimp. "It's like you, Tyrion," she says weakly. "Small, but brave — and a part of me." When she leaves, Tyrion takes the shrimp and puts it in his shirt pocket. Later, he eats it and cries more.
Arya is taking her time on the way back to Winterfell and enjoying a brief promiscuous phase. How old is Arya? I feel like she's old enough for this. She is wearing her hot waitress face at a disco pub. She is making out with a strange man whom she has never met, or maybe she has met him, but not since Season 2, I think. Suddenly, he tears off his face and reveals that he is Gendry. She obligatorily tears off her face. The two can't figure out whether they're related because I can't remember who is related on this show. They shrug and keep making out.
Later, Gendry is stabbed by a townie, but survives.
Bran is in a forest. He is still unconscious, but Meera is awake. She's always awake.
(source mtv)
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